Love Conquers all and other myths

(This article came out on yahoo recently, reposting it with some foot notes from yours truly)

Here is what relationship experts think about the tried, but not always true, love sayings.

by Stacey Colino

1. Say “I Love You” Every Day

Barbara De Angelis, personal-development expert: Say it as often as possible. There’s no reason to be emotionally stingy with the person you love.

Nancy Kalish, psychologist: I agree that it should be said often, but it should be said sincerely, so it means something. Not just “Good-bye. Love you.”

Jake Pua, phonecall hater: Agree! I love these 2 particular scenes from My Best Friends Wedding. First, Dylan McDermont was telling Julia Roberts one of the reasons why he loves Cameron Diaz, “When I hugged her, even in public, she never pulls away. She lets me hold her for as long as I want.” & second, “Kimmie always say that if you love somebody, you say it, you say it right there, otherwise the moment just passes you away.”

2. Play Hard to Get

Sam Yagan, dating-website cofounder: Playing hard to get starts the relationship off on a deceptive foot. If you want your relationship to be based on trust, honesty, and communication, why would you begin it like that?

Greg Behrendt, coauthor of He’s Just Not That Into You: You shouldn’t play hard to get; you should be hard to get, because your life is so busy and fulfilling. My wife and I call it being a MOD―a moving object of desire.

Jake Pua, pretentious love guru: Agree with GB. Don’t care if it’s straight out of the pages from The Rules book, but I firmly believe that if a man wants you, he will and should do all the pursuing. I find girls who make the first move kinda icky and desperate (I know I know I’m judgmental, feminist police shoot me now! But seriously, one of my friends once told me how his now girlfriend used to drop not so subtle hints about them, even giving him some sort of pastry as a gift pre-relationship :O this old fashion Manang is not approving of such gestures.)

3. Your Spouse Shouldn’t Be Your Best Friend

Pepper Schwartz, sociologist: I agree. I think you’re asking a lot of your marriage to have the level of confidentiality, truthfulness, and disclosure that a best friendship has. Your marriage can fulfill only so many roles.

John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: I have no problem with partners who are best friends, but you should have other close friends to confide in as well―especially when you are having relationship difficulties and need time away from your spouse. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

Jake Pua, never been married idealist: Yes and No. Dear Fiance knows everything about me. That includes all my evil kennivel ways. I am madly in love with him and can never stop laughing especiallly when we’re in one of our crazy adventures AND yet I don’t want to use the label “best friend” on him. He’s that and everything else. But the term best friend is still reserved to my BFFs.

4. Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

De Angelis: A little bit of absence can help you appreciate your partner. Too much is dangerous. Relationships need connection, and it’s challenging to stay connected when you aren’t spending time together.

Schwartz: To a point―and then absence makes the heart go roaming. You need a steady diet of intimacy and the other person’s presence to remember why you’re in the relationship. If you don’t see each other often enough, you can start to lead parallel lives instead of lives that intersect.

Jake Pua, a self confessed claker: A month a part was literally hell! I love my friends, don’t get me wrong. And I’m not the type to stay home and sulk but you know when you’re out having fun there’s always that moment when you realize how much you’re missing that other person when he’s away. And then you cursed the whole romanticized idea of "absence makes the heart go fonder"

5. You Can Learn to Love Someone

Judy Kuriansky, sex therapist: That’s true, depending on how you define love. You may not have the love-at-first-sight kind of love, but the deep companion kind of love―in terms of trusting each other and being a team―can develop over time.

Behrendt: No, that sounds like settling. I don’t believe in settling, because it’s not fair to the person you’re with or yourself. It’s not like settling on an apartment you don’t love but can live with.

Jake Pua, ex romantic novel junkie: NO NO NO. I believe in the whole love at first sight, love conquers all mantra. I don’t think it’s possible to teach your heart to love someone you weren’t really A. attracted to in the first place B. passionate about C. connecting with. You can go own fooling everyone, and even yourself in the process, but one day, someday, it will just hit you - you have just settled with one of the most important things in life, love.

Source: Real Simple Magazine, Yahoo 2009